Hello, I am 16 years old now. O Yutan, he has his own job. It can be said that since I was a child, I was completely different from my contemporaries.
And my family raised me completely differently. Because they are completely different people. People say that I am old-minded. It’s probably because he’s different from others in his actions and behavior. Maybe it’s impossible to think like that because I’ve been working and interacting with a lot of people since I was so young.
But one thing stuck in my mind like a rock. For a long time, for many years… My life is not lacking in anything, it seems that there is nothing to think about, but I already find something to think about, do, and worry about. I just started to understand that this is not a game.
Because I like men. Ever since he was a child, he used to cringe at the sight of the mules, and he would only talk to himself. This is an impossible position for me… just thinking about it makes my heart flutter… Sometimes I dare myself to say that you are not like that.
For me, I think that most of the time people need to control their own mind. When myyy myyy thoughts came to me, I imagined him and taught him… I have thought for so long that I am not gay.
I didn’t want to die. But my body seems to attract men. Many girls say that they love and like them, but without a specific response, they change the subject…
Since I always work with adults, I have many opportunities to get close to women. But I can’t. I even took one girl to the door of her house, and when I felt that the other one was interested, I told her to go around the house and let her in.
How much I struggled with myself at that time… But for some reason, I couldn’t follow it because of my inner self… Why is it bad to be gay in Mongolian society? I hate myself. Even though he is a clean-cut man, he has felt this aspect since he was very young.
But what I’m thinking about now is that I’ve never been in a relationship with a man. I am afraid that if this side of me is revealed, my family will not accept me properly, and maybe I will be ostracized by the society. I thought a lot, I wanted a lot…
Maybe if it’s not in the beginning, just because you have a mother’s name and how many sons you have, you can meet a good person who is in the same situation as you. No matter how much you want to have a son, how much you want to see him, love him, love him…
I honestly don’t know what will happen in the future. No, I don’t even want to think about it… How long will this struggle with myself last? What will change when you think about things that don’t happen at will?
Sometimes I even want to die. But what will change? Is it possible to sacrifice the things that you had planned and thought to do just like this?